The only reason we’re not in Iran now is because we’re going alphabetically and George Bush can’t spell.

If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?

I’ve always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I’ve just been dragged along by fate.

Even before the kids are born, you’ve go to make these decisions. If it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it’s a girl, do we keep her?

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they’re coming up with ideas that these people haven’t thought of themselves.

It’s hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling – which was pretty much always.

If you’re going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn’t weigh 450 pounds.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don’t feel like going on stage and being funny.

It’s something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people – I know guys who are great comics, who’ve done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.